I really outdid myself with the twin's fifth birthday party. I felt like Kate from that train wreck of a show on TLC.

After postponing Disney indefinately, we decided that we'd have pony rides at the party, and I invited the entire preschool class. The weather was perfect, I think most everyone had a good time. But as my husband and I raced around that morning, blowing up more balloons and revisiting the rules of 'balloon stomp' and 'pin the tail' games, (we still forgot the blind folds), he looked over at me and said, "let's never do this again".

And I felt the same way. It was so much work, and the kids, I think they had a great time, but they were so overstimulated that there were a few less than pretty moments. And I was so busy hosting, I barely got two photos and didn't get to see my own kids ride the ponies. I felt like I was trying to make time stand still by throwing streamers at it.

The gift opening, despite my best efforts, still turned into a free for all where cards, carefully selected and decorated, got thrown aside as they ripped into wrapping paper, and I frantically tried to write down who gave who what.

I do it at Christmas too. I work so hard, trying to make 'perfect' memories (yes, I realize how ridiculous that is). And ultimately, I end up stressed and exhausted, and they get overwhelmed and overindulged. And I know, as I am doing it, that it is my own fear of missing something. Or some attempt to make up for the times I yelled at them or had to be the big downer voice of reason.

But is it better to stop trying? I guess we'll just do what we do and deal with any mistakes later on when we are called out on them. Parenthood is, well, you know, it's challenging, on levels that haven't been challenged before. You can't hand it in all typed up like a term paper and get a grade. You can't follow a recipe, as the ingredients keep changing.

At five, life is easier in a lot of ways. But I am seeing how it evolves, into something much more complex and dynamic that it was when food and sleep were the main issues.

And as I type this, I know, I'll keep trying. I'll try to remain calm, try to keep things flowing and expectations low, but I am too hands on not to plan and execute. I guess I'll hear all about it when they turn 15. Until then, pass the streamers.